I hereby declare that Newt Gingrich is the perfect candidate to lead my beloved Tea Party to the Promised Land.   After flirting with so many others who only offered a single desirable attribute that made me wave my flag in patriotic fervor, I have finally found a God among men who is the answer to my prayers.  Yes, Newt’s the man to bullwhip that African Demon back to the plantation next November:

The Seven Enormous Sides of Newt Gingrich:

Endorse We Must For a Bulging America

As a white, old, retired, middle class, conventional, rural American male, I have been seeking someone more gravitationally imposing than Christie, more morally bankrupt than Cain, more spinelessly flip-floppy than Romney, more mentally unstable than Bachmann, more vainly coiffed than Trump, more prone to hoof in mouth disease than Perry, and more eager to drag the whole country back, kicking and screaming, to the old days than Paul.  After at least ten minutes of painful thought between Dancing With the Stars and the O’Reilly Factor, I came up with my heartfelt endorsement:  Hear ye, hear ye!  I hereby declare that Newt Gingrich is the perfect candidate to lead my beloved Tea Party to the Promised Land.   After flirting with so many others who only offered a single desirable attribute that made me wave my flag in patriotic fervor, I have finally found a God among men who is the answer to my prayers.  Yes, Newt’s the man to bullwhip that African Demon back to the plantation next November: