I hereby declare that Newt Gingrich is the perfect candidate to lead my beloved Tea Party to the Promised Land. After flirting with so many others who only offered a single desirable attribute that made me wave my flag in patriotic fervor, I have finally found a God among men who is the answer to my prayers. Yes, Newt’s the man to bullwhip that African Demon back to the plantation next November:
The Seven Enormous Sides of Newt Gingrich:
Endorse We Must For a Bulging America
As a white, old, retired, middle class, conventional, rural American male, I have been seeking someone more gravitationally imposing than Christie, more morally bankrupt than Cain, more spinelessly flip-floppy than Romney, more mentally unstable than Bachmann, more vainly coiffed than Trump, more prone to hoof in mouth disease than Perry, and more eager to drag the whole country back, kicking and screaming, to the old days than Paul. After at least ten minutes of painful thought between Dancing With the Stars and the O’Reilly Factor, I came up with my heartfelt endorsement: Hear ye, hear ye! I hereby declare that Newt Gingrich is the perfect candidate to lead my beloved Tea Party to the Promised Land. After flirting with so many others who only offered a single desirable attribute that made me wave my flag in patriotic fervor, I have finally found a God among men who is the answer to my prayers. Yes, Newt’s the man to bullwhip that African Demon back to the plantation next November:
- GRAVITAS: Yes, Chris Christie looked and acted like a pasta-sated mafioso on the Sopranos who would command respect in those delicate international negotiations, but Newt is even more massive in his imposing presence at the lectern. His dissolute senile altar boy looks, the tent-sized suits, the air of pure condescension in his arrogant attitude, and his manner of speaking down to anyone who does not appreciate his burgeoning ego roundly epitomize the ugly American...and this will make him hard to defeat in 2012.
- DEPRAVITY: Surely, Herman Cain carried that leering look of a man of infinite carnal appetites as well as the resume of abandoned poontang to back it up, always an advantage when confronting the impotent men and subservient women who run other countries, but the Georgian blimp’s got the edge over this groping horndog, given Newt’s morally corrupt treatment of his cancer-stricken second (or was it his first or third?) wife.
- HYPOCRISY: We all know from long experience that 1% poster boy Mitt Romney is an invertebrate who has no desire to believe anything for more than five minutes, depending on what his somnolent audiences want to hear. And Mitt is filthy rich...and we assistant managers at the feed and grain store love our men loaded with cash. But here again, Newt breaks the pinata filled with soggy tea bags, with flippant flops worthy of a steelhead trout on a hot dock. Only he can make the bifurcated silver-spooner from Massachusetts appear sober and consistent in comparison, for Newt can praise the Constitution in one paragraph and then suggest literally handcuffing the judges in the next, should they have the audacity to rule in a way that offends his bloated presidential eminence. Then he can blast progressives for being tools of special interests such as the industrial and educational unions and the intellectual elite, while sucking up millions as a hired lobbyist gun for any corporate giant that will pay his weighty freight. And this year, we pray to Jehovah’s Rapturous glory that Newt can harness the required degree of hypocrisy to defeat a scalawag like Osama Mullah Obama, a traitorous guy way too well known for his honesty, ideal family, courage under duress, bold foreign policy decision making, top educational credentials, powerful oratory, fine sense of humor, vision for the middle class, respect for others, and all those other undesirable traits we Tea Party types abhor.
- INSANITY: After Sister Sarah broke our hearts by heading back to her role as the colossal bitch in the long running reality show, Days of Wasilla, we all fell in love with the lesser endowed and more facially cadaverous Michelle Bachmann for the engaging way she stared maniacally off in space and came up with convenient but always incendiary facts from any available bodily orifice. But Newt has been the master of the spin and obfuscation we treasure in our right wing God-fearing candidates, along with his endearing way of saying totally ludicrous but deliciously hateful things as if he were delivering a lecture in Old Testament Bible Thumping 101 at Oral Roberts University. We salivate, masticate, ovulate, and nearly do other things that end with “bate” whenever Newt examines Barack’s well-known Mau-Mau past, or when Newtie Kazooty spouts about the glorious lives our children will enjoy after cleaning the toilets instead of studying the language and math and history that none of us bothered to learn when we were young and getting ready to drop out of eighth grade at Dogpatch middle school over by the field where the Klan rallied. Even Marcus Bachmann, the man of alien testosterone, cringed when he heard the toilet scrubbing idea. Yes, Newt is the true conservative up there on the debate stage.
- HELMET HAIR: Seems like an eternity ago, but it was only last spring when we fell for Donald Trump’s head of natural hair that was sculpted and Crazy-glued as spectacularly as Princess Beatrice’s hat for the royal wedding. We bald Tea Party geezers love our politicians to have virtual helmets of Kevlar-like voluminous hair that remind us of our masculine coiffed heroes: Ronald Reagan, Jack Kemp and Maggie Thatcher...because none of them guys were hideous eggheads. Without the klieg lights bouncing off a bald pate, everyone was so mesmerized by the unmovable carapace of dead hair, we swooned and screamed at every blistering insult directed at the inferior Democrat potty. The Donald tried to make us go wild, but his Nielsen ratings might suffer on the weekly hit that showcases his sneering, boorish, obnoxious New York psuedo-toughness. But Newt and his cement-gray locks delivers and twists the knife with greater subtlety than the Donald when it comes to alleged bogus birth certificates, liberal conspiracies, and any other paranoid delusions that Glen and Rush spew out in their pyroclastic flows of bilious hatred. Once again: Advantage Newt. But there were other challengers to his solidly buttressed throne...
- KICKED BY A HORSE: We conservatives always got hot (though we are straight and we will kick your butt if you call us fags!) for the rugged but simian cowboy looks of George W., even though he went to Yale and summered in Kennebunkport, because he reminded us of Saint Ronnie when he cleared brush in the vast wasteland we call Tooxush, so along came Rick Perry and our wannabe cowboy loins began to once again tremble vicariously under our chaps. There he was: hand-tooled boots on a smug beef-lovin’ Texan with a vocabulary of 174 monosyllabic words in random order, stammered out so folksy-like we could almost understand him. It was W reincarnated with much more impressive helmet hair, but somehow even stupider...what an apparition of strutting balls-out masculinity for our homophobic selves to crush on...so we knew no other country would ever mess around with an idiot strapped to a suitcase full of nuclear codes. But the Ging of Rich says even stupider things than the hapless, clueless, dullard Perry, for Newt and wants to saddle up the poor chillun’ of the country to serve his lifestyle and make the poor wish they had been born in North Korea instead of in the Land of Opportunity. Okay, he would look absurd in a cowboy hat and he would crush any horse smaller than a Clydesdale, but the advantage awarded for sounding like he was kicked by a horse goes to Newt, narrowly, over the blithering, cringeworthy, capital punishing, oil osculating Texas governor with the IQ of an armadillo.
- TAKE THE COUNTRY BACK: And we are really getting enamored of the gentle medical leprechaun Ron Paul for his lifelong desire to restore the wonderful world of 1889 he knew so well as a child growing up with a passion to be an obstetrician in sagebrush country. Those were the days we Teabaggers long for: No Federal Reserve to steal our money, no weather bureau, no airports, no Sherman Anti-trust Act, no income tax, no Interstate highways, no weather bureau, no Hollywood, no ACLU, no regulation of toxic products or production, no Social Security to ruin our incentives if we manage to survive the deadly workplaces, no access to opportunity by most for the 99%, no help with the health bills, all the full-tar tobacco you wanted to smoke or chew right there in restaurants and dance halls and in examination rooms when the patient is in her stirrups, no minimum wage, no AFL-CIO, and everybody at the all-white clubs had lots of gold to hire the swarthy immigrants and recenly liberated but still impoversihed slaves. Yes, those were the good old days. Well, Newt had to go a long way to best Dr. Paul in this category, and he did it with his vicious quips and robocalls asserting Ron was a clone of Rue Paul, and regaling the audiences with his tales of Ron’s parents’ relationship with a diseased hobbit. Yes, once again bombastic Ex-Speaker Newt has more OTJ experience in slamming the country into reverse than the senile Texas congressman, so the edge goes to the Georgian.
- Game over. Newt’s got it all. Rolled into one candidate you can get the gravitas of a real heavyweight, the depravity that proves he isn’t gay but the recent religious conversion to prove he’s no Godless heathen, the unpredictable hypocrisy on where he stands so as to keep his Muslim targets guessing about his intentions, the insanity of statements with no relationship to the world of objective truth, the full helmet of moussed gray hair that is mandatory for right-wing operatives, the clear behavioral evidence he has been kicked by a large horse or donkey, and an abiding desire to roll back the social progress of the twentieth century and return to a simpler time when there were even fewer shackles on the rich than are in place today. Sp please, I beg each one of you to vote or caucus for Newt like there’s no tomorrow. Buford Dukes Kleagle, Jr., Montgomery, Alabama...USA USA USA!!! December of 2011